This week alone, I have been benched by JamesLloydMann, the draconian 3-year-old CEO of our house, for the following:
You know the feeling. You find out you are going to have some time to yourself... no kids, no spouse. And your brain is instantly flooded with all of the things you are going to do, eat, drink, possibly get arrested for...
One of my favorite authors (using "author" loosely here, but, let's be real, the body of literary work most moms are referring to amounts to funny shit on the Internet) is Allie Brosh. She introduced me to the concept of the Sneaky Hate Spiral in her hilarious blog Hyperbole and a Half. The Sneaky Hate Spiral … Continue reading Never mind the booze flask; here’s the dandelion puff.
Or, why I'm unfit to be a mother. 1. You cannot under any circumstances be OCD about mess. I was recently in an argument with my husband, Tim. Like, a really bad one. The kind where you're crying and threatening to leave and questioning whatever brought you together in the first place. And at one … Continue reading Things you cannot be, do or fear if you would like to be a parent.
Did you know that the brain actually retains more information while you are drinking wine? Neither did I, but this is something I desperately wish someone could either prove, or just make true. I say this because in some bizarre-o moment of straight crazy, I decided to pursue more school. Obviously parenting two small loonies … Continue reading When (Will) Science and Sheer Will (Please) Collide (?).
Sometimes I have a contest with myself about just how unsexy I can get my CVS shopping cart to look. This week was pretty good: Toothpaste, Lysol air freshener, (heavily discounted, already super cheap) shampoo & conditioner, a double-pack of Arm & Hammer deodorant and... Miralax. Believe it or not, I still felt compelled to … Continue reading Next time you’re picking up toothpaste and a bar of soap, think of the story you could tell.
I carried Luke for nine, long months, some of which were among the worst in my life. After 18 arduous hours of labor and another 3 hours of pushing, I delivered him via VBAC. For those of you not in the labor-and-delivery-know, this stands for "vaginal birth after cesarean," and it's a bit controversial in … Continue reading If You Cause Perineal Trauma, Your First Word Better Be “Mama.”